The Bad Song I Never Finished

I started to write this in college. I just stumbled upon it on Monday night when looking through some boxes of my things at my mom's house. Tonight I picked up my guitar in hopes that I might somehow redeem it but I think I'll leave it alone. Actually, once I post the lyrics here I am going to throw away the envelope that I wrote it on.

Lyrics first and then the story.

Chorus:
As long as I'm being honest
It might be safe to say
The days seemed like years
While both of us were away
Every time I turned around
To see what's goin' down
It was your face I was seeing
And your voice was the sound in my head

Verse I:
It's been a long December, but I can still remember
Smoking with you while we sang Elizabeth to sleep
Those little moments still linger in my brain
While I pray you the Good Lord would keep
'Cause I know it's a long ways from Billings to Des Moines
An annoyance for which I don't much care
But there's not much I can do, even though I miss you
And I know nobody said that life is fair

Verse 2:
At times when I was walking
I was whistling a tune
At times when I was talking
I was thinking about you
Early in the morning, sometimes 2 or 3
I'd either be up, or I'd wake up
Hoping you would crash into me
Wishing I could watch you there
Through the window as I stare at you
And how you crush me
With all the little things you do

Meaning-

When I was in college I met this unlikely girl from Billings, MT who apparently thought I was pretty cool.....at least for a short stint of a couple of weeks before XMas break. I thought that she was pretty cool too.

She had what seemed like a very warm and inviting personality, cool long curly hair, was pretty and had a nice body as well. We both had aspirations of being teachers some day. We both liked rock music. We both liked to break the rules a little bit.

We probably started hanging out about the middle to end of November. When I first "met" her it was more just an acquaintance than anything. My buddy across the hall had grown up with her and I had casually said "hello" from time to time when I saw her. The first time that we really ever talked at any length about anything was when she was over visiting our dorm for "open dorm" night. That was when the guys could go check out the girl's rooms and vice-versa for a few hours one night....you know, just so we could see what each other's rooms smelled like.

So she timidly peeks into my room without really knowing me yet and comments on this lamp that I had. [you can still pretty much ask anyone who has ever seen the lamp and they will testify to its most awesome sweet-tasticness....except for my wife] So I invited her in to look at it more closely. [remember, it was an awesome lamp] When she was farther in to my room she saw my Bob Marley poster, my other pieces of collected art, my CD collection, my guitar.....all the stuff that makes a dude what he is. Well, it turned out that she like a lot of the same stuff that I did and before I knew it I was sitting on my bed playing the guitar for her. I JUST DIDN'T DO STUFF LIKE THAT!!! My guitar was sacred and there was no way that I would just bust it out and start playing for some chick, but I did it. Why? Because I was a sucker of a guy for a honey.

The rest of this story, like the relationship, is short.

Just when we were starting to dig each other it was time for XMas break. She went back to Billings and I came back to Des Moines. While I was home I started to write this song. Then after I called her on XMas Eve to wish her a merry XMas I started to wonder if I should finish it or not.

She seemed distant on the phone. She also seemed surprised that I would call. I didn't know what to say when I started to sense the tension and suspicion. I made small talk for a few minutes and then we hung up the phone.

When we got back to school, I decided not to call her right away. I decided to wait until I saw her in Chapel. When I did, I went up to her and gave her a hug and she awkwardly invited me to sit with her and her friends but something still seemed off.

Later I would come to find out that the reason we dissolved was not because she didn't like my change in hairstyle, but because she had reunited with someone from back home over the break. "God just totally did this and I wasn't expecting it." You weren't expecting it? Well neither was I.

That was the first time in my Bible College career that I verbally used the term "Fuck it."

I was hopeless and in love with the idea of being in love. It's like I wanted the relationship without really wanting to be "in" it. I was still pretty pissed that I had let my guard down like that though. That kind of vulnerability needs to be earned over time, but like the romantic jester that I was I just cut my own heart open and let it bleed all over anyone who would get close....but that was the last time.

So now, I'm left with the following-

A lesson about moving too fast in my mind
A lesson that it takes a lot of time to really be able to trust someone
A memory of being able to apologize to her for the way I handled it
A crappy unfinished song
The satisfaction being able to see myself honestly for what I was

A Random Thought Before Bed

I must confess that these thoughts just seem to come completely out of nowhere tonight. I guess that is what happens during the time in which you'd like to be in bed but then decided that since you took all of your pills right before wanting to climb into bed that you should wait a little while to try and get the last pee in first....

Now that I've gotten the personal information out of the way we can finally get down to business.

For no apparent reason tonight I was thinking about something from my past that I confess that I have fallen victim to- sometimes liking your girlfriend's best friend more than you liked your girlfriend. Do you know what I'm talking about? It is a very strange and uncomfortable position to be in, but I've been there; and it didn't really matter either way.

It's not like this was a regular occurrence with me, it just happened once in a while. Since I'm fairly sure that they don't read my blog, and since this is all water under the bridge now I'll go ahead and name the names that I remember.

I first remember "going with" Charleen when I was 14 [that was not an intentional rhyme] but she had this friend named "Peaches" that I found myself looking at a little too often.

Then I remember when I was dating Trisha, she had this friend named Diane that I thought was really groovy.

OK, so I admit that all of 2 times is probably the extent of this and so I've made something out of nothing. It is just something that jumped into my mind because I thought that a topic like that might make for interesting material for a song of some type; but I didn't know if I necessarily wanted to be the one to try and write it. How do you write a song like that to admit such a thing without it coming off as something vindictive? I don't know either.

I do know now though that suddenly I feel really warm and I finally have to pee.

G'night.

Another Wednesday Night Post

I just want to let the record state that the dude on the left is not me.

OK, now that we've got that out of the way we've come to another Wednesday night post. You all know what that means- [in case you don't] not anything more than the rest of my posts.

it is Wednesday night and I'm sitting here watching To Catch A Predator on NBC. What a sick world that we live in that they can have a show like this that has as many episodes. Each episode is pretty much the same as the last; they lure people in and then snag them when they have them.

So let's recap the last week or so. Since last Wednesday I've been working on this horrific spreadsheet at work. The long and the short of it is that we are getting ready to be audited. I am convinced that auditors only have their jobs because someone who had too much time on their hands created the position for them. People who don't work in your department come through and survey everything that you do and whether or not you have everything documented. Then they tell you whether you pass or fail, but they don't tell you in advance what they are looking for to begin with. So after Thursday and Friday I needed to blow off some steam. I didn't really get the chance though so I waited until last night.

Last night I had some time to kill so I decided to stop by the old diggs where I grew up. I stopped by the old shopping mall that I used to frequent just to see where it was headed. It had been a few years since I had gone there for anything and it looked like it was turning into a ghost town. There didn't seem to be many shops left in business. Well last night I saw that it is starting to turn back around.

I walked in the doors by Target. After I took about 10 steps inside I heard an old song playing over the mall speaker system- Wanna Be Startin' Something by Michael Jackson. I had to chuckle to myself. As I think about it now it seems even funnier because Michael Jackson's Thriller was the very first record that I ever bought.

As I walked around I did some several familiar places. The Shoe Carnival, The Cookie Company, Sears, JC Penny, Yonkers, are all still there. I was also somewhat surprised to see that there appeared to be 2 different churches that had their offices set up there right next to each other. Talk about a possible manifestation of competition. Then as I walked further down the stretch I saw a mini-golf place that was really dark. As I walked up closer I saw that all of the lights were black lights and all of the courses were lit up in florescent neon colours. It I had been high it would have been really trippy...but I wasn't and I kept walking.

I admit that I was also on the lookout. I don't really consider myself to be a popular person, but I have had a history of running into at least 1 person that I know wherever I go. Tuesday was no exception; I ran into my High School Spanish teacher. We chatted for a few moments and I told him how his class had served a good role in my life and how it helped later develop me in my career and personal life. He is no longer teaching though. He said that the parents had just gotten too cooky for him. They were getting mad at him for calling on their kids in class. Wow, the educational system seems to have reached into interesting realms.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with an old college friend of mine who is currently attending seminary. I think he's been in seminary for about 8 years now...well, it's probably been more like 4 or 5 but now he's back to being a full time student so maybe that [and good behaviour] will cut some time off his sentence.

My wife and I are looking forward to the release of The Bourne Ultimatum next Friday night. I loved the first 2 in the series and I'm sure that this one will be just as good.

Speaking of movies, I should go see what's playing up in my room. In case you didn't get that- I'm tired and need to go to bed.

10 Years Later

This past weekend I had my 10 year class reunion. I really had my reservations about going but I decided that I'd bite the bullet and go. I figured that there would be people there that I really didn't care to see; but there would also be others that would be nice to catch up with.

Right off the bat I did notice that a lot of the same cliques were still functioning. I must admit that I had my own, but primarily just because I stayed away from the others who had theirs.

Some people had really changed. By this I mean several different ways. One way is that there were those who were kind of shy in school that have since come out of their shell a bit. There were those that have lost weight since then, and then others of us who have put on some pounds since then.

It was really nice to talk to those that I did, but how do you really catch up 10 years worth of history in only about 4 hours? And then take those 4 hours and split them up among all those that you'd really like to talk to. Needless to say you end up with a good time but still much that is lacking.

Even though I fought it for quite a while and still have my reservations about it this is where MySpace has become a great avenue to keep in touch with those that I have lost touch with. Because of the ability to input your school and graduating class you can find almost anyone who has registered and made themselves available to the world. This is great because now all of the time that I didn't feel that the reunion afforded can be made up through cyberspace. However, there are still some features about these forms of virtual relationships that are absent.

All in all, I am ultimately glad I went...even if it was only to catch up with a select few.

The only regret- if I had known beforehand that we could come and not eat the food that was provided and save $50 then I would have done that. Something to keep in mind for the next time around.

A Blast From The Past I Never Had

I can't believe that I am doing this at this particular point in the game, but I never watched the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. That was probably primarily because my parents didn't want me to. Now I'm an adult and I figured that it was time to play some catch up on the old classics. What a dumb idea, but I will probably finish what I started.

I have just finished watching #4 in the series and the only word that comes to mind is GAY!!!

The deeper I get into this the worse each movie is becoming. Not only is the music horrid, the effects are lame, and the story line sucks; I just get bored with it. This particular installment was over the top. Oh, I've got a plan to kill Freddy with martial arts! Give me a break! And what's worse is that the horribly sucky fight scene takes place in a church! As if the writer was trying to borrow some ethical relation to Highlander or something. It just made no sense.

When I first started this journey with this series I must admit that I was a little excited. Now, I just can't wait for it to be over...with the exception of the very last in the series Freddy vs. Jason- stupid concept...just plain stupid.

Time

Where has time gone.?

I think about this from time to time. It seems like just yesterday I was a kid doing all kinds of kid things. I can remember elementary shcool, jr. high, high school, but for some reason I have a harder time with college.

Whenever I think back on college it seems so blurry. Perhaps it is just the protective instinct of my mind kicking in to protect me from whatever happened that I shouldn't remember. I am not sure, I just know that so much of it seems like it never happened.

I know that I took some classes but I don't remember much of the content. I know that I worked a few jobs but I don't remember my boss' names. I even dated a girl or 2 but hardly remember them any longer....or at least it doesn't seem like they really had a very significant place in my memory after the experience.

The only thing that I really do remember are the people. However, only a certain small number of them come to mind. Most of them were my peers, of whom many I still keep in contact with. Some were my professors, of whom I don't keep as close contact with.

College only lasted 2 years for me and I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I did poorly in the classes that I didn't care about and well in the classes that were easy. I didn't know how to manage time, money, assets, people, circumstances, etc. If I had it all to do over again I probably would, but I would do it better now that I know the difference.

College was only about 7 years ago for me, and yet it seems like an eternity. I often wonder what has become of my old drummer, my old girlfriend, that guy that I got to know for that brief few months my freshman year before he dropped out. At the same time I also have been able to just let all that go. I live in the now.

I have come to believe that time is just an illusion of sorts. It only exists in the perceived reality. I mean, after all, 1 week could last forever for one person and fly by for another. There is really nothing static about it other than what we have molded into that which exists naturally; namely the rotation of the earth around the sun and the amounts of light and darkness asssociated with each cycle.

I do know that even though I have given up on time, that life is still but a vapour. Here today and gone the next. That is the reality of the grand scheme of things. We have to do our best while we have the "time."