Custom Search

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Bad Song I Never Finished

I started to write this in college. I just stumbled upon it on Monday night when looking through some boxes of my things at my mom's house. Tonight I picked up my guitar in hopes that I might somehow redeem it but I think I'll leave it alone. Actually, once I post the lyrics here I am going to throw away the envelope that I wrote it on.

Lyrics first and then the story.

Chorus:
As long as I'm being honest
It might be safe to say
The days seemed like years
While both of us were away
Every time I turned around
To see what's goin' down
It was your face I was seeing
And your voice was the sound in my head

Verse I:
It's been a long December, but I can still remember
Smoking with you while we sang Elizabeth to sleep
Those little moments still linger in my brain
While I pray you the Good Lord would keep
'Cause I know it's a long ways from Billings to Des Moines
An annoyance for which I don't much care
But there's not much I can do, even though I miss you
And I know nobody said that life is fair

Verse 2:
At times when I was walking
I was whistling a tune
At times when I was talking
I was thinking about you
Early in the morning, sometimes 2 or 3
I'd either be up, or I'd wake up
Hoping you would crash into me
Wishing I could watch you there
Through the window as I stare at you
And how you crush me
With all the little things you do

Meaning-

When I was in college I met this unlikely girl from Billings, MT who apparently thought I was pretty cool.....at least for a short stint of a couple of weeks before XMas break. I thought that she was pretty cool too.

She had what seemed like a very warm and inviting personality, cool long curly hair, was pretty and had a nice body as well. We both had aspirations of being teachers some day. We both liked rock music. We both liked to break the rules a little bit.

We probably started hanging out about the middle to end of November. When I first "met" her it was more just an acquaintance than anything. My buddy across the hall had grown up with her and I had casually said "hello" from time to time when I saw her. The first time that we really ever talked at any length about anything was when she was over visiting our dorm for "open dorm" night. That was when the guys could go check out the girl's rooms and vice-versa for a few hours one night....you know, just so we could see what each other's rooms smelled like.

So she timidly peeks into my room without really knowing me yet and comments on this lamp that I had. [you can still pretty much ask anyone who has ever seen the lamp and they will testify to its most awesome sweet-tasticness....except for my wife] So I invited her in to look at it more closely. [remember, it was an awesome lamp] When she was farther in to my room she saw my Bob Marley poster, my other pieces of collected art, my CD collection, my guitar.....all the stuff that makes a dude what he is. Well, it turned out that she like a lot of the same stuff that I did and before I knew it I was sitting on my bed playing the guitar for her. I JUST DIDN'T DO STUFF LIKE THAT!!! My guitar was sacred and there was no way that I would just bust it out and start playing for some chick, but I did it. Why? Because I was a sucker of a guy for a honey.

The rest of this story, like the relationship, is short.

Just when we were starting to dig each other it was time for XMas break. She went back to Billings and I came back to Des Moines. While I was home I started to write this song. Then after I called her on XMas Eve to wish her a merry XMas I started to wonder if I should finish it or not.

She seemed distant on the phone. She also seemed surprised that I would call. I didn't know what to say when I started to sense the tension and suspicion. I made small talk for a few minutes and then we hung up the phone.

When we got back to school, I decided not to call her right away. I decided to wait until I saw her in Chapel. When I did, I went up to her and gave her a hug and she awkwardly invited me to sit with her and her friends but something still seemed off.

Later I would come to find out that the reason we dissolved was not because she didn't like my change in hairstyle, but because she had reunited with someone from back home over the break. "God just totally did this and I wasn't expecting it." You weren't expecting it? Well neither was I.

That was the first time in my Bible College career that I verbally used the term "Fuck it."

I was hopeless and in love with the idea of being in love. It's like I wanted the relationship without really wanting to be "in" it. I was still pretty pissed that I had let my guard down like that though. That kind of vulnerability needs to be earned over time, but like the romantic jester that I was I just cut my own heart open and let it bleed all over anyone who would get close....but that was the last time.

So now, I'm left with the following-

A lesson about moving too fast in my mind
A lesson that it takes a lot of time to really be able to trust someone
A memory of being able to apologize to her for the way I handled it
A crappy unfinished song
The satisfaction being able to see myself honestly for what I was

Labels: , , ,

1 Comments:

Blogger Ryan Tow said...

Funny thing. The story about "hey, cool lamp .. .cool room" . . is essentially how Shana and I met. Except it was a ceiling fan (we installed a ceiling fan on our double loft).

Oh, and it was October, not November. Still, she got awkward around January. She came back from a ski trip retreat convinced that, in the ultimate Christian break-up, she just "saw me more as a brother than a boyfriend."

Somehow, I managed to trick her into marrying me, which is, I suppose, where our stories part ways.

July 16, 2008 at 8:47 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home