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Monday, February 15, 2010

The feeling of a death

Anyone who has gone back and read the archives of my blog from last year will remember me writing about the divorce of my parents. Divorce sucks.

Over the last year I have watched in curious anticipation of what kind of relationship I might have with my dad. When he was a teen his dad left his family to go be with another which left him fatherless.

Over the last year or so I have had sporadic interaction with my dad and have seen him a few times but I can't say that it was really very deep or meaningful. His life has seemingly moved on and is happening with another family.

He and I have emailed back and forth with each other since November. Some of the emails were frustrating, some were sad, some contained misunderstandings and some were just empty. I was hoping in all of it that I might gain some sense of direction as to where he might take things.

The biggest feeling that I was getting was that he was just too busy with his new family to really make time for me and mine. He works a lot and it also sounds like he also does most of the work in his new home. Between this and the time that he spends with my Grandmother, who has been in and out of the hospital and care facilities since early October, it sounded like he didn't really have much time for anything.

I had been preparing myself to let go of any hopes for a continuing relationship with him. He was getting angry and frustrated that my family was not yet interested in meeting his girlfriend or her family. He was right that we didn't want to meet them yet; the reason being that we felt like we had been abandoned for them and so we didn't feel that it was merited for us to just open ourselves to his new life when he just walked out of ours.

Last week I wanted to get together with him to talk about some of the things that we had been feeling about the situation. We had talked about it before but he didn't really do anything about it. He became increasingly frustrated that we didn't want to accept his other family yet so he backed away from us more. He's been under this assumption that we are just mad at him because of the divorce itself. I wanted to talk and clear this up with him and try to figure out a way for both of us to have our needs met in the relationship.

Last Friday he sent me an email that made it very clear, going forward, where his loyalty and attention was. He proclaimed very boldly that "it wasn't that he didn't want to get together with me, but he just didn't know when he'd have time....." all because of how it would impact his time with his new family.

I then told him that we didn't need to get together anymore to talk about things. I told him that his unwillingness to make time for the family that he has always had [me] in lieu of his new family, make it pretty clear how he ultimately felt about me and my family; so I responded back telling him that since it was clear now what his intentions were that I was no longer going to pursue anything with him. I told him that if/when the day comes that he is ready to show me and my family that we actually mean something to him that we would be there waiting...but in the meantime we had to move on.

This weekend I was watching Revenge Of The Sith with my children and Master Yoda said something that resonated with me. It was reminiscent of Buddhism thought as well:

Yoda: Premonitions, premonitions. These visions you have....
Anakin: They are of pain, suffering. Death
Yoda: Yourself you speak of, or someone you know?
Anakin: Someone
Yoda: Close to you?
Anakin: Yes
Yoda: Careful you must be when sensing the future Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.
Anakin: I won't let these visions come true, Master Yoda
Yoda: Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is.
Anakin: What must I do, Master Yoda?
Yoda: Train yourself to let go...of everything you fear to lose.

I wasn't afraid of losing my dad. I almost expected it to happen.

I did think, though, that when it did happen that there might be some sense of relief about be able to finally let go and move on. I did let go...but as of yet, there hasn't been any more of the relief I just feels more like a kind of death in the family.


Blogger Cooper said...

Just some observations about myself and my parents' divorce 15+ years ago:
--many days have gone by that my attitude towards divorce grew negative
--not one day have I had a positive attitude about it
--parents are too self-centered to realize that not only are they divorcing there spouse, but also their children
--It took a good five years to accept my mom's boyfriend
--for fifteen years I've felt torn in half in dividing my time spent with both parents (Christmas Eve with Dad/Christmas Day with Mom etc...) then holidays were divided in odd/even years. Now since I'm sober, I go to places where I know I won't be jeapordized or vulnerable.

I haven't achieved the relationship that I think I should have with both my parents now that I am adultiscized (I made a new word).

February 19, 2010 at 9:07 AM  

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