Let's Ketchup

I've been a little absent from the blog-o-sphere lately. I've just had a lot going on all at once and I've been hard pressed to have the strength to remember things that were on my mind earlier in the day when it is so late at night. I end up making mental notes in my head but then I forget where I put them.

Spring is here and I'm finally so glad to see days of sunshine and warmer temperatures that don't make me wonder who much I'm going to have to shovel the next day. I can leave my jacket in the car and the furnace doesn't have to run as much. Sleeping comes more comfortably for me...so now I just need to try and bring myself to start going to bed at decent times. The other thing that I love is that I can spend more time with my kids outside. I remember spending so much time outside as a kid. My world existed outside. The indoors seemed only to serve a few very small purposes for me-
It's where I could sleep
It's where my food came from
It's where I found shelter in the cold and rain
It's where we came to memorize the entire script of The Goonies

Now that I'm older the inside does server far more useful purposes than those listed above but too much of it is just too much. I like being outside. It helps my depression. I'd like to think that it helps my tan, but after frying myself a few years ago while fishing, this raging paradoxidation will not be too concerned about the shade of his skin. Vanity.

I came home from work on Thursday to a quiet house. My wife's van was in the driveway and I entered the house to find her busy doing wife things and the rest was all quiet. I thought that the kids may have been either outside playing quietly and I missed them, they were over at the neighbor's or they were upstairs playing so I inquired. "Where are the kids?" My wife replied "they're not here." She had left them with her parents up at the farm. It will be a good break for both us and the kids. We needed some time together with just the two of us and some quiet time to be able to do some "adult" stuff and the kids really love spending time with "Memah and Papa." Everybody wins.

So we started Friday night off with a bang in a series of adult excursions- going to a home store to begin looking at tile for our bathtub surround. That's right. How much more adult can you get than that? The only problem was that we had limited time. We had a quick look at what the offerings were in Ames before we tried to sneak in a quick "date" at Fazoli's before I had to get back home to do some work for my "regular" job. Did we get everything done that we wanted to? No, but that's OK because we still got some alone time together. It had been almost a year since she and I had ridden alone in my car.

Saturday [yesterday] was nothing short of a roller-coaster.

You may remember the cat that I blogged about in my last post. The executive decision was made painfully that she needed to find another home. We don't know quite what happened but on Friday when we were out she decided that our futon mattress and a toy box belonging to the kids were going to be her litter boxes. We can't have that. So yesterday's excursion started out by making a trip to Des Moines to look at new futon mattresses. Yep, she really unloaded on the old one.

Once the new mattress was purchased then it was off to the Animal Rescue League. I really hated to leave her there but we just could not keep her if we could not trust her to wee where she's supposed to. The thing that made me feel much better about it though is knowing that the league takes very good caution as to who they release the animals to. I am sure that she'll end up in a good home and make someone very happy...but I will miss her affectionate cuddling.

After dropping her off then we were off to lunch. The menu started out to be a trip to one of the places that we like to visit periodically where my wife can have a steaming hot plate of Carne Asada and I can get my fill of beef nachos. Two things happened, though, on the way that sidetracked us. The first was my sister calling me on my cell leaving me a message that said that we really needed to talk soon. So when I could I called her back and we agreed that we'd find a time later that day to get together and discuss what was on her mind. The second sidetracking was the notice that the mall that we were driving past now had an Old Chicago restaurant. That has become a new fav of my wife and I so we stopped there to have a makeup date for the one that we missed Friday night.

After eating we then ventured off to look at more shower tile. What a dangerous feat. You stand there in an aisle looking like a major idiot [well, at least we probably looked that way since it was our first time] trying to decide what we wanted. We had started this journey with grand ideas of having the most awesome shower that we could imagine, within out budget.....but by the time it was all said and done we had both agreed that perhaps just plain 'ole white would do the trick. So now it was just a matter of finding the best price.

On our way to the next place of interest to shop for tile prices the phone rang again and it was my sister. She had decided on a time to get together with me and it was in 10 minutes. The van then took a detour that became a 10 minute drive to what felt like was going to be a funeral of some kind. I was now on my way to have an intervention of sorts with my dad. No drug or alcohol problems involved that we knew of but still something that needed to be addressed. To make a very long story short he finally told us that he had filed for divorce.

We had seen this coming from miles away. Mom and dad have had issues for quite a few years now that had only gotten worse in the last few years and then even worse in the last year. So much secrecy and avoidance of the issue. They really thought that they were playing house to the public well enough for nobody to notice but we knew.

It's nobody else's business at this point why they are doing this but for the first time in a very long time I sat there on the couch feeling a mental schetzophrenia. On the one half of my brain I had so many thoughts and questions going through my mind and on the other half I only heard what can be described as that sad music that you might hear during the credits of a movie that closes the door on any doubts you may have had about the story.

I had a lot of friends with divorced parents when I was a kid but I never knew from any of them just what that meant for them to go through. Now I am almost 30 years old and out on my own so I imagine that I might be in somewhat of an easier place with this. It doesn't seem to have quite the same emotional impact on me that it would have otherwise had if I had to think about having clothes in two different bedrooms in two different houses...and yet still I cry.

Almost thirty-three years of marriage will soon be gone. My mom is understandably crushed as she was led to believe that last year there may have been, if even only dim at that time, some glimmer of hope for them. My dad seems calloused and resolved about it.

So now while I remain on the fence as to what my next steps are in this whole process is with them I have to somehow prepare myself for the day that will soon be approaching when I have to explain to my children why Grandpa is never at Grandma's anymore and why he lives somewhere else.

I don't know what else to say about it right now. The thing that sucks and yet still offers me hope is that I remain one of the few left in my family that has only been married once to one woman. Despite our difference, God knows I'll fight to keep this one.

I gott a go now. My nose needs to be blown and I need to get to work on my shower, or as I like to call it- therapy.

Selah

Baila!

Tonight was our 1st [Annual?] Father-Daughter dance. The mission was to get fancied up and then the fathers would take their daughters out on a "date" where they would be shown how a proper man should treat a woman of worth.

Open her doors, pull her chair out for her, help her out of the car...all of those things that have seemingly died out with chivalry and the birth of women's lib.

I took my daughter to the restaurant of her choice- Perkins. She loves the "rainbow" pancakes that they have there with whipped cream and sprinkles on top. As we sat and ate we also talked about notions of how a gentleman should treat a woman. I told her that a gentleman should always be kind, considerate, loving, caring, and protective. I asked her what she should do if her Prince Charming did not do those things for her. "I'd tell him to HIT THE ROAD!!!" she said loudly for all to hear. That's my girl. I think that conversation was about as fruitful as it could be for an almost 4 year old. I was appeased.

Then off to the dance we went. Lots of dads and girls there spending time together. We had fun dancing; but some of it was hard, seeing that my little baby girl was now growing older and knowing that one day she would be there dancing with another man...who will never be as good as I expect. Although, I was still encouraged when she would become distracted and run off with some of the other girls her age to do not-so-dancy stuff. That let me know that there was a lot more on her mind than just finding price charming.

I've got probably another 10 years before I really have to start hearing more about boys. Wow, I have an eerie feeling that it is going to creep up on me without notice. I guess I had better keep my gun shiny and clean now so that it will be ready if I ever have to use it.

To all the rest of you dads, as well as to myself....watch what you are. Did you know that most girls, either subconsciously or consciously, end up looking for a mate that ends up to be pretty similar to their dear old daddy? That means that if you care and are active in her life she will most likely end up with a man who will also take care of her and be the pride of her existence. If you're lazy and don't do much with her, then you've guessed it- there is a likely chance that she'll end up marrying some kind of a scumbag just like you.

I don't know all of the psychology behind it all, but there is a lot to be said for the impact on a young girl that her father has on her. Are you going to make her or break her? Will you be her hero or the cause of her blame.

I'm not the best dad in the world sweetheart, but this dance was for you.

My hope is that I can set the bar pretty high for any future loser who comes around here trying to steal my baby's heart. Until I'm able to set such a standard I guess I'll just settle for a hard bar that I could use to drive that punk away...

Deconstruction At Work

This is a difficult post to write.

It is difficult for a number of reasons. The first reason is that it is a very large issue. The second reason is that this impacts a large part of my life. The third reason is that it impacts the life of my family.

Over the last year or so I have been hanging on to every ounce of faith that I hoped to have. I have been through this before and have been able to bounce back for one reason or another. Many hours have gone into study, prayer, conversation, thought, introspection...etc. This time just seems harder than the rest.

Anyone who read the last few entries in my former blog The Reluctant Disciple has read about many of the issues that I had been struggling with in regard to being a Christian. Things have not really changed at all, in fact I feel like they are even worse. You see, if I only seek answers and comfort from Christian sources then my need for explanation has been somewhat satisfied, but it still seems so incomplete. So then I also find myself trying to look at the other side of things and other questions arise. The Christian sources seem to have conflicting opinions or seem to use intellectual and interpretational gymnastics. The secular sources point out issues that the Christian sources dodge.

Now, I realize that from the Christian perspective that most of what I am dealing with ultimately boils down to an issue of faith. However, I have to echo a friend's statement that the biblical definition of "the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen" does not offer much help. My argument is that the "substance" is immaterial and subject to perception, and what is the proof of evidence for something that cannot be seen? If something cannot be seen then how can it be evidenced? Now I understand that there are cases, like with wind, where the wind itself cannot be seen but it can be felt. A weather vain can also be used to track the direction of the wind which can more tangibly confirm its presence.

To make a long story short I have decided that it is just not intellectually allowable for me to call myself a Christian any longer. I do still believe that there is a god out there somewhere, probably, but I do not believe that any of the world religions has done proper justice in capturing what "god" is. Although I don't like labels, I would probably put myself somewhere between either a Theistic Agnostic, or a Deist.

The point to this is not to try and get a dialog going with others. If that happens then we can talk, but the point is that over this last weekend I finally "came out of the closet" about it with my wife, who said that she has had suspicions about it for some time.

Now, my wife and I have never really had what I would consider to be a spiritual aspect to our relationship. Sure we would occasionally pray about things or for people, and we would pray for our meals and both agree to read "Christian" books to our kids and stuff, but when it came to actually discussing our views on various theological issues we were usually in disagreement and that usually felt very difficult for me. It was difficult for me because I felt like we needed to be playing on the same team but we were engaging in different sports. I also felt like it was an urgent matter for me to try and win her over to many of my ideas; and I know that it wasn't in attempts to try and appease my ego or need for affirmation, but because I wanted her to think right. Now that I no longer think the same way I finally feel like the pressure is off but now we have a different set of issues to deal with.

I love my wife and I know that she loves me. She is a good woman who has a lot of character, integrity and dedication. She is a great mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt. She really makes my home life enjoyable. I like to spend time with her.

While we both share very similar points on morality and how to live our lives, the major chasm now for her is the destination of my soul. I can understand what that means because I spent about 15 years there. I often felt the same way.

Issues of faith and religion, or lack thereof, can be very sticky in marriage. I know though, that we are both committed to each other and our children.

I don't know if this is just another swing down the low road for me or if this is a more permanent thing, but it feels like it's more permanent.

15 years ago I would have never imagined being here. 10 years ago still no imagination. 5 years ago I probably put my left foot in, took my left foot out, put my left foot in and shook it all about. But I did the Hokey Pokey and got turned around. Now here I am.

No secret sins. No desire to do this in just following after the lusts of my flesh. Just simply here because of my mind. A mind that decided I needed to explore what was outside of the Matrix.

I may continue posts of this nature over at The Reluctant Disciple but I am going to keep doing this blog along the same vain as it has been to this point.